Scientific Jargon, translation 2

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The following is from the June 82 issue of Analog.
by Arlan Keith Andrews, Sr.

What the Research Report Says What It Really Means

A search of the literature Hustler and Playboy didn't say.
fails to show...
It has long been known that... Somebody once told me.
It is generally accepted that... A guy in a bar once agreed with me.
It is widespread knowledge that... Two guys in a bar agreed with me.
It is universally accepted that... The bartender agreed, too!
Of great theoretical importance.. I need a dissertation topic.
Of great practical improtance... I need a job.
Technical difficulties postponed the... The engineers screwed up.
A scientific breakthrough occurred... The engineers didn't screw up.
Typical results confirm... Nothing exploded.
Data spread was well within expected Something did melt.
limits...
Experimental results agreed with the My French curve fit.
projected outcome...
A few anomalous data points were My French curve didn't fit.
attributable to instrumental
error...
Agreement with predicted results is:
Excellent What the director wanted.
Good What the team wanted.
Fair What the technicians wanted.
Poor What the truth is.
Data have been normalized... You wouldn't believe the numbers I got.
Dimensionless parameter plots show... Nobody else would, either.
Statistical analyses reveal... I had to lie a bit.
Data processing procedures were I had to lie a lot.
implemented...
Results were generally positive... I got a raise.
Significant progress was I got a good raise.
accomplished...
The state of the art was advanced... I got promoted.
Valuable assistance was provided by... He stayed out of the lab.
Invaluable suggestions were provided He was the research director.
by...
Further investigation is warranted... I need another grant.

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